Schizophrenia beats being alone.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?
Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If our President is so good, let him keep his job.
Why change when it is not broken?